easy things.

rory leaping in the dunes, ythan estuary, newburgh, nov. 21, 2009

"...would you prefer the easy way? No? Well, okay, then don't cry..."*

Sometimes it's really comforting for me just to acknowledge that what I want to do is not easy. I have never, when I think about it, wanted things that are easy or uncomplicated or conventional, academically or otherwise. It's not because they are difficult that I want them, because I think I must prove something; I just happen to want things these things that are not full of ease.

& it's difficult sometimes. It makes me very deeply tired, & so unsure. I wish they were easier, or rather, the higher order desires kick in, & I wish I wanted easier things... but then I think of what easier things might look like, & realize that's just not what I want. I could do 'easier' things, certainly. But I would be very unfulfilled.

& that would be far worse -- I realize that I fear having regrets from wasting opportunities far more than I fear these un-easy things I desire to do. I am so profoundly fortunate to even be in the position to pursue them, I am so lucky to be here, to be supported by so many people in what I do. I will not betray myself, I will not squander this.

*oh, Ani DiFranco, & flashbacks of being 16. Oh dear.